Learning to Trust with a Broken Heart

"Save me, O God!  For the waters have come up to my neck.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold.  I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.  I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.  My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~ Psalm 69:1-3

Today marks 2 months since we said goodbye to our precious daughters in Haiti.  These have been the longest and most difficult 2 months of my life.  I struggle with what to share in this space...what can serve a purpose and help you know how to pray for and support us, and what is best left between me and God? What will edify others and glorify God while also being real about how hard this process is?  The verses above completely capture how I feel these days.  I'm having a hard time keeping my head above the waters of discouragement, sadness, and even hopelessness.  We love Chelley and Naika so much and want so desperately for them to finally come home.  It is not any different for us than if we had decided to send Annika and Livie thousands of miles away for an undetermined period of time, where we would not be able to contact them or reassure them of our love for them.  God has already planted Chelley and Naika deep inside the hearts of each one of us and waiting for them to come home is like having our hearts split in two, all the time.

When I look back at all the months of waiting that we've already endured, and all the months of waiting that we need to get through before we can finally bring our girls home, I can hardly stand to put one foot in front of the other.  It feels like this will never end and we'll never actually get to bring them home.  It feels like someone keeps moving the finish line so that we can never see the end goal.  It's like trying to run a marathon while wading through knee-deep mud.  This waiting is exhausting and could wear down the strongest of souls.

As is true of most difficult times, I am learning some valuable things on this hard journey.

I'm learning what it looks like to desperately need God in such a way that it's impossible to get through the next hour without another dose of truth about who He is and what He promises for those who fear Him. I've been a Christian since I was 5 and have never known this level of desperate dependence on God.  It's probably about time that He finally brings me to this complete and utter end of myself.

I'm learning that I've sung A LOT of worship songs, with what I thought was my whole heart and soul, all the while not really knowing what I was singing.  "I lay me down, I'm not my own, I belong to you alone...it will give me joy to say, Your will, Your way." "I'll set my gaze on God alone, and trust in Him completely." "Though my eyes may fail me, I will follow after you.  Though your promise seems forsaken, I'll remember the world's in your hands, and you'll find me singing, You are unfailing God, your love's unending, and your word is eternal, firm in the heavens it stands."

I'm learning that "hard" is not tidy or contained in only a certain area of life...rather, it is messy and sometimes ugly, and affects every thing we do and say.

I'm learning that trusting in God's sovereign will, God's provision, God's goodness, God's timing doesn't always change how we FEEL about things.  Choosing to trust in God doesn't mean that the sadness or discouragement will go away.  It means that you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other despite those feelings, and you trust that God will take your meager offerings and turn them into something useful or beautiful down the road.

I'm learning that it's OK to feel what you feel and that God can handle it.  The Psalms are so chock-full of these desperate pleas for help, sandwiched in between declarations of God's great power and faithfulness (along with a few requests to destroy one's enemies).  God knows our thoughts, our weaknesses, and yet He loves us completely and promises that He is enough, no matter what.  Not only is He enough, but His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  Well, let's just say that I'm giving Him plenty of opportunities to showcase His strength these days!

And I'm learning that any hardship, any cost, any pain that we're experiencing on this journey is literally NOTHING compared to what Christ willingly laid down and sacrificed in order for us to be adopted into His family.  Our adoption cost Him more than we can possibly comprehend but He did it because He believed we were worth it.  Those little girls in Haiti are definitely worth these hard days...and I know that God will redeem the struggles of this journey in beautiful and glorious ways that we can't even imagine right now.

In the meantime, would you please pray with us that God would keep paving the way to bring our girls home soon?  And please pray for His strength and endurance for us as we continue, one day at a time, on this hard journey.  Thank you for walking with us and supporting us with your love and prayers!

"The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does.  The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.  The Lord is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness.  The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth.  He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them." ~Psalm 145:13b-14, 17-19

God's Travel Itinerary

First of all, for those of you who are not on facebook and may still be wondering about the results of last week's difficult milestone, we did hear on the afternoon of the 3rd that "our birthparent interview at the U.S. Embassy was successful".  We didn't (and likely won't) hear any more detailed information about that but we are so relieved that it's done.  We continue to pray for the deep pain that our girls and their birth father surely experienced that day and in the days since that meeting.

Since we don't have other news to share of forward progress in our journey today, I thought I'd share something that we learned about God while we were on our trip to Haiti in May.  Did you know that God is in the travel business?  I mean, I know He can and does do all kinds of amazing and powerful things, but I just never pictured him in the business of rearranging flights, booking hotels, and organizing the timing of hotel shuttles!  He really pays attention to the details and He doesn't even charge extra!!  Allow me tell you a story about how God changed our travel itinerary on our way home from Port au Prince.  Bear with me through the details...I have to paint the picture of our experiences that day to really allow God's amazing plans to shine through.

As I've mentioned, we had the joy of experiencing our time in Haiti with 2 other families who were also meeting their kids at GLA for the first time.  It was wonderful to experience all of the ups and downs of the trip together with these other parents that shared our love, passion, and excitement over this step in all of our respective journeys.  It also helped to cry with them as we piled in the van and left our kids at GLA to head down to the airport in Port au Prince.  We waited in line together, got through 2 security checks together and sat down to wait for our flights.  They are both from Colorado and were booked on a flight from Port au Prince to Miami, while we were booked on a different flight to Ft. Lauderdale.  Their flight was supposed to leave around 3:30 pm and ours was supposed to leave just after 4 pm. 

As we were waiting, we heard word that their flight had been delayed by an hour, then an hour and a half, and ultimately 2 1/2 hours later...set to leave at around 6 pm.  We were bummed for them, as that meant they would miss their connecting flights and would delay their trip home by several hours.  Our flight was still on time so we said our goodbyes to them and got on our plane, desperately sad to leave Chelley and Naika but ready to hug Maria, Annika, and Livie!  We were traveling to Ft. Lauderdale and then on to Chicago, where we had booked a hotel for the night and then would fly home to Rochester the next morning.  Our flight went through the normal preliminary checks and pulled away from the gate to prepare for takeoff.  Then, instead of aiming for the runway, we pulled back to the gate.  Soon, the pilot got on to announce that the back-up electrical system was not working properly and they would try to get it fixed.  We sat on the plane for an hour and a half before they announced that this plane was not going anywhere and we'd need to deplane.  They had one other plane that had landed that was heading back to Miami so they would now be transferring as many people as possible to that Miami flight.  Our friends' plane was still there but they had now boarded and had no idea we were still there.  They thought we were well on our way to the U.S. by that time.  While we were in line waiting to see if we could get on that other flight, our friends' plane took off for Miami. 

As you can imagine, the atmosphere in the airport was stressful as we all tried to figure out how we would get to our destinations.  At this point, I was not praising God for His change in our plans.  In fact, I was a little like a toddler on a road trip...impatient and cranky!  Amazingly, they did eventually get us all on the other flight, although the entire process took another 2 hours.  So, it's 7:30 pm as we finally take off and it's a 2-hour flight to Miami.  The flight they booked us on to Chicago was scheduled to leave Miami at 10 pm.  We both realized that we'd have to REALLY push it to make it through customs and on to our connecting flight.  Sure enough, we landed in Miami at 9:30 pm, literally ran as fast as we could to baggage claim, waited a few minutes for our suitcases and exited customs at exactly 10 pm. As you can imagine, the boarding had been finalized for our Chicago flight and we were not allowed on the flight.

So, on to Plan C...we headed to the ticket desk to get another flight to Chicago in the morning and to find a hotel in Miami.  There were several of us from our flight in this same position and they were "randomly" assigning us to various hotels so that we didn't all descend on one hotel so late at night.  After another 30 minutes of working through those details, we walked out of the Miami airport to wait for our hotel shuttle.  Just as we walked outside, our hotel shuttle was pulling away from the curb.  I grabbed the carry-ons and told Matt to run for it to try to catch it before it left.  He gave it his best shot but it was just too fast.  At this point, I'm thinking, "Seriously, Lord?!?  Hasn't this day been hard enough? Our hearts are broken, we're hungry and exhausted, couldn't you just have given us one more minute to get on that shuttle?"  I was enjoying my pity party on that curb in Miami.  And then we proceeded to wait for another 40 minutes for our shuttle to return.  Several other hotel shuttles came by 2 or 3 times during that time but ours was taking "forever"!  Ironically, our friends from the trip, who had also missed their connecting flight, were assigned to a different hotel in Miami and drove right by us while we waited on the curb.  We didn't see them, but they saw us and wondered what on earth had happened?!?  Last they knew, we were well on our way to Ft. Lauderdale and then on to Chicago...how did we end up on the curb in Miami?!?

Finally, our hotel shuttle arrived and we gratefully got on.  I sat down, in my exhausted stupor, not in a mood to make small talk with anyone.  However, I married a man who can talk to anyone about anything at anytime and could sell a whole truckload of ice to an eskimo.  He recognized one of the other passengers, a Haitian man, from our flight out of Port au Prince and he struck up a conversation with him.  They talked about what had brought us to Haiti and what our experiences and observations were.  Towards the end of the 10 minute ride to the hotel, this gentleman let us know that he had actually been a good friend of Haiti's President Martelly for 25 years.  And, oh, by the way, he might be running for the senate next year, but then he'd have to leave his current position as GOVERNER OF THE WESTERN HALF OF HAITI, in authority over 4 million people!!  As it turns out, this man is the highest boss (besides the President) of the judges that we had gone there to see.  He is practically 2nd in command of the country of Haiti!!!  The region that he has authority over includes the area where our orphanage is, as well as the city of Port au Prince.  Turns out, his travel plans hadn't gone as intended either.  He was supposed to fly directly from Port au Prince to New York earlier that day, only to be bumped to our Ft. Lauderdale flight and then ultimately on to our Miami flight.  So, there we were, in a city that none of us were supposed to be in, on a "randomly assigned" hotel shuttle that we wouldn't have been on if I'd had my way, and Matt just "happens" to strike up a conversation with the Governer of the western half of Haiti.  I'm pretty sure God was having a good laugh at that point!

After we got to the hotel, Matt asked if they could continue to talk for a few minutes and they spent 15 minutes talking about some of the problems with the Haitian adoption process.  This man was willing to give Matt his phone number and email, he also said that he would be willing to have a meeting with our orphanage director to try to become more informed and see what he could do to possibly address some of these issues.  This meeting has not taken place yet, but we've passed on the info to our orphanage director and we hope and pray that God will use this divine appointment and connection in mighty and surprising ways in the weeks, months, and years ahead.

Will you please pray with us that this man, Mr. Louis Day, would be used by God and moved to action on behalf of the orphans, biological families, orphanages, (and adoptive families) of Haiti?  We know that God can use anyone He chooses to accomplish His purposes and we pray earnestly that He will use this "chance" meeting to truly make a difference for His precious "fatherless" children in Haiti.

And if you are planning any trips soon, be sure to be on the look out for any last minute changes that God may decide to make in your itinerary!!

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." ~ Proverbs 19:21

A Difficult Milestone on the Journey

Wednesday, July 3rd, is a milestone in our adoption journey, and it's one of the hardest milestones that any of us will encounter in this process.  It is the day of the required birth parent interview at the U.S. Embassy in Port au Prince. 

Officially, this means that our girls' birth father, as well as Chelley and Naika, must appear -- together -- at the U.S. embassy at 10 a.m. and go through an interview process with an embassy representative.  The purpose of the interview is to assure that their father has voluntarily relinquished them for adoption and to make sure that they are legally orphans and are indeed able to be adopted and brought into the U.S. as our legal children. The girls will be accompanied by a wonderful woman who works for GLA and who was the same person to see us through the maze at the U.S. Embassy 6 weeks ago. 

Emotionally, there is just nothing good about this step of the process for anyone involved.  The girls will be overwhelmed and uncomfortable out of the familiar walls of the orphanage and they will be seeing their birth father for the first time in over 2 years.  To Naika, he will be a stranger and she will just be completely confused and probably afraid. For Chelley, I can't even imagine what she will think or feel in seeing him again after all this time.  She will know and understand all that is being said and the potential is great for even deeper wounds of rejection and loss in her precious heart.

My heart breaks for their father.  I don't know much about him, but I know that he made an excruciating decision and sacrifice for the well-being of his girls 2 years ago.  I also cannot begin to fathom his feelings tomorrow as he sees how the girls have changed over the last 2 years and as he stands in front of them and confirms that he is indeed willingly relinquishing them to adoption.  He will know that this will most likely be the last time he will see them in this life and I simply cannot imagine what emotions and pain he will be dealing with.  This can also be a very intimidating and confusing experience for the birth parents as they come for this official U.S. Embassy interview.

This is not an easy day for us either.  It is hard to be this far away and know that your children are going to be confused, uncomfortable, and sad and there is nothing that you can do about it.  We grieve for all of the difficult emotions that each of them (including the girls AND their birth father) will experience throughout this day and the days to come.  And there is always a bit of unrest as some birth parents have used this opportunity to say that they've changed their minds and they no longer wish to place their children for adoption.  This doesn't necessarily stop the whole process but could add a great deal of time, money, and stress to complete the adoption.  We don't have reason to believe that their birth father will do that, but it's just one of the many factors that make this a hard milestone.

So, we covet your prayers for all of us during this day.  The interview is scheduled for 10 a.m. (9 a.m. Central Time).  Please pray for their birth father, as he experiences for a second time the grief and sadness that no parent should have to experience.  And pray for our girls to sense God's presence, comfort, and protection with them throughout the entire process.  And lastly, pray for Matt and I and our girls here...for peace as we wait to hear word of how it went.  Pray that we would rest and trust in the faithfulness of our God.  As one of my favorite songs declares,

"Never once, did we ever walk alone.  

Never once, did you leave us on our own.  

You are faithful, God, You are faithful."