Saying goodbye...

I'm at a loss for words as I try to begin this post. I know that I need to chronicle the end of our first trip to Haiti but I have no idea how to do justice to such an intensely emotional experience. I've started this post several times and nothing seems right so maybe I'll just dive right in and stop worrying about how it all sounds. By way of disclaimer, even though Matt and I both experienced the difficulty of saying goodbye to our girls last week, this post is written primarily from my perspective.  This is not at all meant to discredit Matt's experience or the pain and sadness in his "Daddy/Protector" heart as he left two of his sweet girls and said goodbye.  If he's willing, maybe I'll have him do a post to share his experience.  For now, here's the view from this mama's perspective...

 
I woke early last Friday morning with a heavy heart.  It was May 24th, 2013...the day that we would say goodbye to our precious daughters Chelley and Naika and get on a plane to come home without them.  I had known this day would come since we started this process 2 years ago.  I knew it would be painful and much harder than I could imagine.  Fortunately, God had protected my heart during the months and weeks leading up to our trip and He had graciously lessened my dread of that moment.  That was a burden that he didn't allow me to carry until I absolutely had to and as a result, I know that He spared me much pain leading up to that day.  However, as I woke that Friday, my heart was feeling the full load of what would happen in a few short hours.

As I finished packing and ate breakfast, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing.  We were eating with the team of volunteers staying at the guest house and I was trying my best to keep it together.  My Facebook post from that morning pretty much captures my feelings...

"My heart is breaking this morning and I'm already crying and haven't even seen the girls yet. I'm just getting it out of the way so that I'm not a basket case in my limited time with them this morning. Lord, your strength is made perfect in my weakness."

I really was worried that if I was crying this much already, what on earth would I do when the time actually came to say goodbye?  Chelley was allowed to skip her English class that morning so we got to spend time with her at the Toddler House starting at 8 am.  She was in a great mood and comfortable with us and we were able to fill those two hours with more fun memories.  We blew more bubbles, played catch, colored, sang songs, watched the videos from home on my iPod, and just had a great time together.  We also got to have a tour of the Toddler House and see where Chelley and her friends sleep, eat, play and go to school.  We soaked up every detail of our girls' lives there like a sponge.  It was like every piece of information that we received from GLA was another point of connection between us and our daughters.

At 10 am, Molly, the wonderful, young American woman who shares the leadership of the Toddler House, brought Chelley, Matt and me down to the Main House.  The Toddler House and Main House are approx. 1 mile apart...or, at least, that's how it felt as we went up and down the steepest, bumpiest roads we'd ever experienced!  Due to those logistics, we had not spent time with both of our girls together since our 1st moments with them on Tuesday.  Since these were our last moments together, we wanted to have a bit of time with both of them before Chelley needed to go back to the Toddler House to begin her school day. 

When we picked Naika up from the nursery that day, she was happy to see us but seemed to be aware that something was happening.  She literally clung to us for the entire hour and a half that we were with her that day.  She went back and forth between us, her sweet little arms wrapped around us, her head resting on our shoulders.  We just soaked up those extra tight hugs from her, knowing that we wouldn't have that opportunity again for several months.  Chelley was still playful...kicking a soccer ball and dribbling a basketball with Matt as we passed the time together.  We snapped a few last shots of all of us together and before we knew it, it was time to say goodbye to Chelley.

When Chelley is sad, nervous, or uncomfortable, she gets very quiet and very serious.  As I hugged her and told her how much I loved her and how much I would miss her until we came back, she was very serious and didn't say a word.  Matt hugged her and said his goodbyes to her as well and then there was nothing left to say.  Matt picked her up and carried her down the 2 flights of stairs.  I followed behind, carrying Naika and trying desperately to hold myself back from sobbing.  The GLA staff watched us sympathetically as we carried Chelley out to the car.  The image that imprinted itself on my heart was of Chelley waving to us and blowing us a kiss as the car pulled away.  Tears streamed down my face as we waved until we couldn't see the car anymore.

I wanted to find a quiet corner and cry until I couldn't cry anymore but I knew that I needed to keep it together for a little while longer.  We knew that we had about 30 minutes left with Naika and our girls back home had really wanted to Face Time with her.  It's a miracle that we can sit in an orphanage in Haiti with a device no bigger than my hand and be able to see and talk to our girls in Rochester!  Maria, Annika, Livie, and Grandma and Grandpa all really enjoyed the chance to see Naika, live and (almost) in person.  Naika just quietly took it all in and tried to figure out what was happening on that little screen.  It was a priceless time for our family to connect since we'd had the same opportunity to Face Time with Chelley and our girls here on Tuesday.  Since our biological girls couldn't come with us to Haiti to meet their sisters, Face Timing with them was the next best thing.

Before I knew it, it was time to say goodbye to Naika and bring her back to the nursery.  As I carried her up the stairs to the nursery, tears streamed down my face yet again.  Her nursery is a busy place with many kiddos clamoring for attention so I didn't have time for a long drawn-out goodbye.  I simply squeezed her tightly, whispered my love for her, set her down as she looked at me with those deep brown eyes, and walked away.  For the second time that day, I thought my heart would break into pieces right on the spot.

A few minutes later, we took one more drive up the hill to the guest house, loaded into the van with the other couples, and prepared for the drive down the mountain to the airport in Port au Prince.  Tears were shed by all the parents as we left our precious kiddos there, knowing that it would be months before we would get to see and hold them again.  We trust God and his sovereignty in this process.  However, that doesn't mean that it is easy to go through each day, knowing that those two amazing little girls are waiting for us.  We take comfort in knowing that they are as loved and well-cared for as they can possibly be at GLA and we rest in the knowledge that God still has our two little sparrows in His loving and gentle hand.  And now, we move forward one day at a time, praying that God will allow us to be united as a family as soon as possible.

Here are a few images from our last moments together...

15 Minutes and a Box of Kleenex...

...that is what you will need to get through this post.  Our beloved friend, photographer, and babysitter extraordinaire, Kadi Tiede, spent the afternoon with all of our pictures and videos from the trip and she created an absolutely priceless slideshow/video for us.  This video really captures the whole trip so well and I dare you to watch it without crying!

She worked hard to narrow down the pictures but it's still a 15 minute video with 3 of our absolute favorite adoption songs.  So, when you have 15 minutes, grab your tissues and enjoy this amazing video.  You'll feel like you were there with us...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLpFTR4CnkE

Thank you Kadi!!  We love you and once again, we find ourselves in your debt! You're the best! :)

Tonight, I am grateful...

It's impossible to believe all that we've done and been through in the last 36 hours.  It feels like we've lived at least a week in that time, but then again, every day in Haiti felt like that.  So much emotion and adventure, so many twists and turns...it's hard to believe how much you can pack into one day down there.  As our guest house host said, "Haiti puts you to bed early"...so true, so true!

Since there is no possible way that I can do justice to the last 36 hours in my current exhausted state, I'm going to list the top 10 things I'm grateful for tonight.  After some rest and some family time, I'll be sure to update the blog on the events and emotions of the last couple of days.

Tonight, I am grateful...

...that we made it home safely!!  After major delays and struggles yesterday and another very short night in a Miami hotel, we finally arrived home at 2 pm this afternoon.

...that we are reunited with our 3 girls here.  We missed them so much and are so glad to be home with them. I think the feelings are mutual. :)

...for my amazing parents who took great care of all 3 girls while we were gone and who picked us up today, fed us, listened to our stories, and then brought us home.  Their love and support provides such necessary stability for our biological girls and for us during this crazy process.  Words cannot express my gratitude for all that they did this week and all that they do week in and week out!

...for the priceless time that we had with Chelley and Naika. We will treasure those life-changing moments with them always, and replay them often as we wait to bring them home.

...for our orphanage, God's Littlest Angels, and the amazing care that they take of our kiddos.  Every staff person and volunteer there truly LOVES every one of those kids and they fight on their behalf on a daily basis.  There are so many there who are giving so much, day in and day out, for the sake of these kids.  We're forever in their debt!

...for all of you and the encouraging words and countless prayers that you offered up on our behalf.  It means the world to us to know that we have so much support and love from all of you as we experience every step of this process.

...for the beauty of God's creation in Haiti.  It is a breathtakingly beautiful country, despite its well-documented struggles.  There were so many things about the country that I wanted to slow down and savor, but this trip didn't allow for that.  Someday...
 
...for my warm and cozy bed, that will soon provide me with the best night's sleep I've had in weeks! (I didn't sleep so well in anticipation of our trip...can't imagine why!)

...for the new and wonderful friendships that we made this week, especially with the other adoptive parents that we had the joy of traveling with on this journey.  What a blessing it was to have someone else with whom to experience all of the ups and downs of this week.  We will always have this very unique bond with them and with their kiddos.

...for the God who loves us, loves our kids, and has ordained this beautiful thing called adoption.  For the calling that he placed on our lives that has led us to these precious and beautiful little girls that are now planted firmly in our hearts.  For the blessings that he has given us on every step of this journey and for all of the answered prayers of this past week.  We are His adopted children and we are thrilled to be allowed to follow His heart in adopting these little girls.  Thank you Lord for this amazing privilege.