A New Perspective...the upcoming transitions through the eyes of Chelley and Naika

(I apologize in advance for the length of this post.  I thought about trying to break it up into a series but decided that since we leave in just 3 days, I'd leave it all as one post and if you need to read it in shorter segments, that's just fine.  I do implore you to ultimately read all of this post though as it has important information about what these next steps will look like and how you can best interact with Chelley and Naika as they come home....)

It has been such a joy to celebrate with so many of you this past week as we anticipate our reunion with Chelley and Naika in just a few short days!!!  We are bursting with excitement and I know from all the smiles and hugs at church, and all of the ecstatic facebook comments that you all are sharing our excitement that the end of this long journey is finally here.  We are rejoicing in knowing that our family will FINALLY be all together, just in time for Thanksgiving, Naika's 3rd birthday, Christmas, and then Chelley's 8th birthday!

As we rejoice and look forward to these amazing and life-changing days ahead, I'd like to invite you to look at this process and these upcoming changes from a different perspective...that of Chelley and Naika.  Even though you have walked through this journey with us and the focus has been on our experience of waiting, fundraising, longing and waiting some more, now is the time for you to join us in shifting our focus to Chelley and Naika...their needs, their experiences, and what will help them to thrive as they transition into life as a part of the Saski family.  In the days and weeks ahead, you can best support Matt and I (as well as Maria, Annika, and Olivia) by helping us to do what is best for Chelley and Naika.

First, it's important to try to put ourselves in their shoes for a while.  Even though we know that having a forever family is better for them long-term than growing up in an orphanage, they are about to leave the place that they have called home for the last 2 1/2 years.  They already experienced profound loss at a very young age when they had to leave their home and their birth family as a result of tragedy and poverty.  Now, they've adjusted to life at GLA and they have a new family...their nannies, their friends, their teachers, and the amazing staff who run GLA.  Once again, they are being asked to leave those they love, to leave what is comfortable and predictable and safe, and to go to a completely different country, culture, and climate where NOTHING will be the same.  They will need to say goodbye to friends and caregivers that they may never see again.  They will be overwhelmed even while we are still in Haiti, simply because we will be taking them out of their routine and beyond the walls of the orphanage into places and experiences that are completely new to them.

Chelley, at the age of 7, has the benefit of understanding at least some of the changes that are coming her way.  The older kids at GLA all really want to be adopted and have their own forever family and they know that is something to celebrate.  And yet, she still has so much to lose as she makes this transition.  And Naika, at almost 3 years old, doesn't have the same benefit of cognitively understanding or preparing for any of the changes that she will experience.  Chelley has memories tucked away of what it is like to live in a family with a mama and papa and sisters.  Naika was 6 months old when she arrived at GLA and her nannies and the other kiddos there have been the only family that she has known (except for the memories that are stored deep in her body and spirit of her first few months with her birth family).  

As we leave the orphanage with them on Monday the 25th and begin our journey back to Minnesota, they will have countless new and overwhelming experiences in just a few short hours.  The sights, sounds, and smells of the airport, the noises and sensations involved in flying in an airplane, escalators, food, carpet, stores, crowds, multiple languages, another flight, a hotel room, and more white people than they've ever seen in their lives...all in the first 12 hours.  Then, as we arrive home on Tuesday the 26th, they will be meeting "strangers" that they've only seen in pictures that are their new sisters and grandparents.  They will experience winter coats, mittens, hats, and REAL cold for the first time.  Car seats, highways, and a completely different landscape will greet them even before they set foot in our home.  When they do get "home", everything will look, sound, smell, feel, and taste different.  NOTHING will feel predictable or comfortable or safe or familiar.  And every last step of these huge changes is out of their control.  The process of learning to trust Matt and I as their parents will take a very long time and yet they will need to trust us because they have no control over any of these major life-changing transitions. 

I don't know about you but I like to be in control.  I don't enjoy situations where my personal well-being is in question and I have zero control in making myself healthier, safer, or more comfortable.  So much of this adoption journey has been out of our control and there were so many days that I longed (or even begged) for a bit of control over these circumstances that would bring about so much change in our lives.  Fortunately, I knew that there was a perfectly loving and strong God that was in control of our situation.  Chelley and Naika do not KNOW from experience that they can trust us.  They will hope that we are good and loving and trustworthy, and we will do our best to show them that we will love and care for them and never leave them, but they will still be asked to place their precious little lives in our hands before we've had a chance to prove that to them over and over.

So, as we arrive home on that Tuesday, the 26th, their sisters and grandparents will be bursting at the seams to finally meet them, we will be filled with joy and gratitude to finally have our family all in one place, and while a part of them may be excited and happy, they will also be processing deep levels of grief, overwhelm, and fear that the rest of us can only imagine.  It will definitely be a day to celebrate and praise God for finally bringing these girls home, but it will be good for all of us to keep the perspective in mind that while joyful, this will not be an easy day for our sweet Haitian girls.

So, what is the plan to help them as they work through these changes?  What will our family life look like for the foreseeable future?  First of all, let me share that there will be a way to share in that moment of our homecoming as all of our girls meet each other for the very first time.  We will be having a small airport party, to which we are inviting our immediate family and a few close friends.  If this were about Matt and I, we would invite every single person who has walked this journey with us...praying, rejoicing, crying, encouraging, and working hard along with us.  We know and appreciate that there are sooooo many of you that have invested in this process and we thank you for all of your support!  However, as we've just established, this day is about what is best for Chelley and Naika...not about what is best for us.  So, we had to make some tough decisions and we don't get to invite all of our wonderful friends to be at the airport in person to welcome us home.  However, we have another great option that will allow as many of you as possible to participate in that day.  We will be live streaming our homecoming on the internet.  Our friend Dave Pearson has graciously agreed to be there filming all the events of that morning so that you can watch it all from the comfort of your living room or office.  I'll be sharing the link to that live feed on this blog and on facebook so be watching for that!

After the small celebration at the airport, we will go home with just our family (and my Mom and Dad), and close ranks for a while.  In the adoption world, this is called cocooning.  We need to give Chelley and Naika the benefit of a significant period of time where their world is as small and predictable as possible.  They need time to get to know Matt and I and their new sisters, and to start to feel comfortable and safe in their new home.  We will stay home as much as possible,only going to the doctor's office and any other places that are absolutely necessary.  Matt and I will be Chelley and Naika's only caregivers and will be the only ones to meet their needs.  We will be the only ones to hold them for a while (with the possible exception of their sisters and Grandma and Grandpa...who will be next in line, anxiously awaiting their turn).  We will prove to them minute by minute, day by day, that we are their Mama and Papa, that we love them, that we will take care of all of their needs, that we are safe and trustworthy, and that we will ALWAYS be here for them.  In the adoption world, this is called "attachment" and this is crucial to their long term health and ability to develop close relationships with others in the future.  Once they start to feel more comfortable with us, we can begin to take them on an occasional outing...maybe a quick trip to a small store, or a visit to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  When we feel the time is right, we will invite some friends into our home one by one to meet them in a place where they feel comfortable and safe.  We don't know exactly how long this whole cocooning process will take and will just need to play it by ear depending on how Chelley and Naika are doing.

We do not plan on being at church as a family for a while, although that will be very difficult for me as all these Advent and Christmas services take place throughout December.  Can I ask a favor?  If we feel that Chelley and Naika are doing well enough and we decide to come sit in the back of one of these upcoming Advent services, would you do your best to resist the urge to come and welcome us and speak to them?  A simple wave and a smile would be the best thing you can do for all of us.  It seems rude and counter-intuitive to our "Minnesota nice" but our first few visits to church will be far less overwhelming for them if we don't attract a large crowd of people that are anxious to see and welcome and love on them.  I know that's hard, because you're all so excited along with us.  But once again, I ask you to put yourself in their shoes.  I never want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause any of you to feel badly but our first priority needs to be protecting these girls from situations that will be overwhelming and scary for them.  Even though you know them and have seen countless pictures and prayed for them for well over a year, they will be in a room full of strangers who look different and speak a different language and it will be much easier for them if they can take it all in without having to interact with a lot of people.  Sometimes, newly adopted children can feel that anyone who even makes eye contact with them in a new situation is going to take them away to another home.  I also need to ask that when we do come to church as a family, please don't hug them or touch their hair. They are beautiful and will be nearly irresistible to hug or touch, but just like we wouldn't enjoy  strangers hugging us or touching our hair in the grocery store, they will not want people that they don't know to touch them without permission.  If you are unsure as to the best way to interact with them, please feel free to ask.  When in doubt, smiles, waves, and kind words will go a long ways towards ultimately making them feel comfortable.

Eventually there will come a day when they will feel comfortable and you won't need to feel that you are walking on eggshells.  All of this will just take time and will be a learning process for every one of us.  The Saskis are a family full of extroverts and this process of turning inward for a while will not be easy for us either.  Maria, Annika, and Livie will still be attending most of their various activities and are allowed to take breaks from the "cocoon" more so than Matt and I, but their lives are changing drastically as well.  They will not be able to have friends over for a while, and they will be learning to share Matt and I with their new sisters who will need a good portion of our time and hands-on attention for a while.  All 7 of us will be sacrificing things that are important and valuable to us so that we can emerge on the other end of this as a new and whole family.  We covet your prayers, your encouragement, and your practical help during this time.  In my next blog post, I'll be sharing some ways that you can encourage and help us as we work through this transition. 

For now, thank you for reading this LONG post and for your understanding of how difficult this process will be for our newest daughters.  Thank you in advance for giving us grace when we stumble as we navigate this uncharted territory for our family.  We love you and are so grateful for the support and love you have shown us over the last 2 1/2 years and the love and support that you will now show us in new and different ways as we bring our precious Chelley and Naika home.