Learning to Trust with a Broken Heart

"Save me, O God!  For the waters have come up to my neck.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold.  I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me.  I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched.  My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~ Psalm 69:1-3

Today marks 2 months since we said goodbye to our precious daughters in Haiti.  These have been the longest and most difficult 2 months of my life.  I struggle with what to share in this space...what can serve a purpose and help you know how to pray for and support us, and what is best left between me and God? What will edify others and glorify God while also being real about how hard this process is?  The verses above completely capture how I feel these days.  I'm having a hard time keeping my head above the waters of discouragement, sadness, and even hopelessness.  We love Chelley and Naika so much and want so desperately for them to finally come home.  It is not any different for us than if we had decided to send Annika and Livie thousands of miles away for an undetermined period of time, where we would not be able to contact them or reassure them of our love for them.  God has already planted Chelley and Naika deep inside the hearts of each one of us and waiting for them to come home is like having our hearts split in two, all the time.

When I look back at all the months of waiting that we've already endured, and all the months of waiting that we need to get through before we can finally bring our girls home, I can hardly stand to put one foot in front of the other.  It feels like this will never end and we'll never actually get to bring them home.  It feels like someone keeps moving the finish line so that we can never see the end goal.  It's like trying to run a marathon while wading through knee-deep mud.  This waiting is exhausting and could wear down the strongest of souls.

As is true of most difficult times, I am learning some valuable things on this hard journey.

I'm learning what it looks like to desperately need God in such a way that it's impossible to get through the next hour without another dose of truth about who He is and what He promises for those who fear Him. I've been a Christian since I was 5 and have never known this level of desperate dependence on God.  It's probably about time that He finally brings me to this complete and utter end of myself.

I'm learning that I've sung A LOT of worship songs, with what I thought was my whole heart and soul, all the while not really knowing what I was singing.  "I lay me down, I'm not my own, I belong to you alone...it will give me joy to say, Your will, Your way." "I'll set my gaze on God alone, and trust in Him completely." "Though my eyes may fail me, I will follow after you.  Though your promise seems forsaken, I'll remember the world's in your hands, and you'll find me singing, You are unfailing God, your love's unending, and your word is eternal, firm in the heavens it stands."

I'm learning that "hard" is not tidy or contained in only a certain area of life...rather, it is messy and sometimes ugly, and affects every thing we do and say.

I'm learning that trusting in God's sovereign will, God's provision, God's goodness, God's timing doesn't always change how we FEEL about things.  Choosing to trust in God doesn't mean that the sadness or discouragement will go away.  It means that you keep going, putting one foot in front of the other despite those feelings, and you trust that God will take your meager offerings and turn them into something useful or beautiful down the road.

I'm learning that it's OK to feel what you feel and that God can handle it.  The Psalms are so chock-full of these desperate pleas for help, sandwiched in between declarations of God's great power and faithfulness (along with a few requests to destroy one's enemies).  God knows our thoughts, our weaknesses, and yet He loves us completely and promises that He is enough, no matter what.  Not only is He enough, but His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  Well, let's just say that I'm giving Him plenty of opportunities to showcase His strength these days!

And I'm learning that any hardship, any cost, any pain that we're experiencing on this journey is literally NOTHING compared to what Christ willingly laid down and sacrificed in order for us to be adopted into His family.  Our adoption cost Him more than we can possibly comprehend but He did it because He believed we were worth it.  Those little girls in Haiti are definitely worth these hard days...and I know that God will redeem the struggles of this journey in beautiful and glorious ways that we can't even imagine right now.

In the meantime, would you please pray with us that God would keep paving the way to bring our girls home soon?  And please pray for His strength and endurance for us as we continue, one day at a time, on this hard journey.  Thank you for walking with us and supporting us with your love and prayers!

"The Lord always keeps his promises; he is gracious in all he does.  The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads.  The Lord is righteous in everything he does; he is filled with kindness.  The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call on him in truth.  He grants the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cries for help and rescues them." ~Psalm 145:13b-14, 17-19